It is NOT well with my soul

I truly wish I were built like some other women.  Other bloggers I follow.  Other attitudes, beliefs and outlooks.  I’ve even tried.  But it was more work than anything positive and though it’s not the work that bothers me, it was the work to portray an image which is not true.

I am incredibly grateful for many things in my life.  My husband.  His family. A recent rekindling of sorts with my only sister.  I am grateful for our comfortable home on a little bit of land.  For a small handful of good friends. And I am grateful to live in a free nation.

I may have more than so many.  But it is NOT, nor it ever will be, well with my soul that I’ve – and thereby we’ve – been denied a family of our own.  I do not wish to live out the rest of my days in a miserable slump, but I will not pretend that my life is complete.

I find no matter the effort, I am not able to move forward solely in gratitude for all that I have, but rather most days I trudge through grand disappointment in that which I do not.  

There are days I wonder where the other people like me are. The ones who things didn’t work out for and who are damn mad about it.  Those days I wonder why the only people I run into, read blogs from or see in the news are those who kept the faith, stayed positive and came to realize their dreams.  Go ahead and tell me that if I would change my outlook and be positive that my rotten uterus will just magically create our perfectly healthy child.  Newsflash: A change of outlook will not change the reality.

We did ALL of the positive thinking, the keeping of the faith, the praying.  For years. And then the doctors said it would never be.  And now what?  I should live in constant bliss waiting for that “bigger plan?” I should accept my consolation prize as the best Aunt ever to walk the Earth and be satisfied for the rest of my days?  I should watch my husband dote over our nieces, nephew and godchildren and ignore the tears for the father he desperately wanted to be and should have been, smile and think how lucky we are?

What a load of crap.


5 thoughts on “It is NOT well with my soul

  1. Oh, I feel for you. And I can relate to this because for a really long time I didn’t even feel like I would get the opportunity to explore infertility treatments. So I did feel like I just had to accept it, and I felt angry about that. Also I’m not a religious person (though was brought up that way), so I don’t know if that makes it easier or harder to accept. I feel like I would find it difficult to imagine a God who’s giving me infertility to deal with for kicks.

    I think the reason I can cope now is because I don’t have a definite no – we haven’t yet given up and reached the end of our journey. I think I’d be feeling exactly as you are if I was told there was nothing else we could do. Whilst there’s still a smidgen of hope, we feel like we are still in the middle of our story.

    It’s okay to feel like you are disappointed, and be angry at the unfairness of it all. It is unfair! I think that’s a completely understandable reaction. You shouldn’t have to move forward solely in gratitude. This didn’t happen to you because you had the wrong attitude. It is ****y luck of the draw. You couldn’t have changed the outcome by being cheerier. It’s not your fault.

    So take the time out to be angry at the universe sometimes… Be kind to yourself and don’t always feel you have to be the happy aunt. And equally, whilst you don’t have to be happy all the time, give yourself permission to make the most happy moments you can. All lives have their moments of both, and all we can do is acknowledge and own both, and keep going. Sending you hugs x

  2. I’m with you with the anger and screw everyone’s best intentions. When you don’t have hope to cling onto anymore it’s not for the weak. You have to be stronger than you ever thought you could be. And then the hope has to turn into something else or you go dark and miserable and you have to just do it yourself. You have to rely that you can push through this. You do it for yourself and no one else. I darn you to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can be happy …..maybe not right now…maybe not completely in love with the world next week….but that you can strive for the darkness to be left in the past. Not forgotten because I get it – how could you forget the one thing you want that you can’t have. But that can’t be the end of your story. Dig deep girl. I know you can do – because I’m in the same fight to be happy and I know we can do it!

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