(Un)happy Father’s Day.

I would’ve posted mostly the same words…..Fathers Day is WORSE than Mothers Day. The reason my husband will never be celebrated is because of me.

alwayshope2014's Blog

Mother’s Day, I hate it.. It’s a reminder that I am not a mother. My grief overwhelms me, and it takes every ounce of energy I have to even wish my mum a happy day. I see posts on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter wishing new moms a happy 1st Mother’s Day and the pain in my chest becomes almost unbearable.

this is my grief, and sometimes I wear it well, other days it consumes me, but I see it, I mourn it, I feel it and I get on with my life the best I can. I have no choice.

As much as I hate Mother’s Day, the day of the year that kills me the most is Father’s Day, I love my daddy, he has supported me throughout my whole life, he has comforted me, he has encouraged me and he has made me the person I am today, but…

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Family Vacation Sans a Family

We are currently on vacation. We vacation a little differently than most people. We don’t do exotic getaways or room service…but it’s vacation none-the-less. It’s time spent away from work and the usual stresses.  Time spent as husband & wife where we can reconnect, charge our batteries and stop hustling from one obligation to another.

We have a large and interchangeable group of friends we travel with to various places on annual trips to do some camping (or “glamping” as it would better described in our 35 foot fifth wheel RV with all the amenities).   This particular trip has been spent on the Oregon coast, eating all sorts of yummy seafood, campfires, lots of dune riding in our side-by-side UTV and quite a bit of reading, napping and relaxing.

Back home, the temperatures have been over the 100* mark.  Here, it’s been downright chilly.  I despise the hot summer months and welcome the cool, coastal weather with open, albeit bundled, arms.

There is this one, small hiccup.  Everyone else here is on a FAMILY vacation.  With kids upon kids upon kids.  This group is primarily made up of young boys.  9 to be exact. Only 3 girls.  Of the dozen, the age range is from 2 1/2 to 14 years old. I can hear a group of them now, at the campfire, giggling.

My husband and I brought our dogs.

I suppose I could focus on how we might be getting to do a lot more relaxing than our friends who brought all these kiddos.  I suppose I could be happy that the cost of our trip isn’t as great since we don’t have to buy souvenirs, extra ice creams or clam chowders.  But if you’ve read any of my previous entries, then you likely know I won’t say that no children = a better or more relaxing vacation.  

When I see the smudged face and dirty little hands on a 4 year old blazing by on a bicycle, an empty water bottle shoved under the rear fender for the cackling noise effect, the wonder & excitement in a 9 year olds face after searching, finding and catching a crab on the rocks and the pride in showing it off in a water bowl to everyone in camp….when I see one of the Dads patiently teaching his son how to better maneuver a steep hill on his motorcycle and the Daddy’s pride when the boy makes the hill, or when I see all the children run to Grandma J’s RV for her famous deserts…and watch her love on each of them before they run off with the goodies….I do not feel relaxed. I do not feel the everyday stresses going away. I feel sad. Again. I feel robbed. Again.

I see my husband watching these kids make these lifelong memories and I watch his heart break.  I can see the longing in his eyes and I can see his shoulders drop the moment the realization smacks him in the face that this will never be a family tradition for us as it is for them.

Even on vacation, infertility is there. Even on vacation, it is painful. It is ALWAYS there. 

I have no life

I feel like life has been taken from me because I am not able to create a life.

Where do you find the strength to find a new purpose in life when the only purpose you knew was to be a Wife and a Mother?
How many hours of wasted time and energy we have collected when we realize the one thing we’ve been working for will never be within our grasp.
What a sadness to know the best thing that was ever going to happen to us has already happened?
When someone references that “bigger plan” theory….I think “have you lost your ever-loving mind? What bigger plan, besides death, could possibly await us?”  
We could hit the lottery, retire early and travel the world, but we’ll never have children to share the photos with.  
We could inherit a beautiful piece of land and build a dream home….but to whom would we leave it?  
There are many upon many people who live child free.  They live happy and wonderful lives.  And yet, for those who did not chose this way of life, for those who were dealt a different deck of cards, I simply cannot understand how to move on.  I was meant to be a Mother and my husband, a Father.  How can we possibly live a life and call it “full” when it will never be? What a lie it would be.
I am angry.  I am sad.  I am many things.  But I am NOT a Mother.